Friday 30 December
20 days sober
RR 100%
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
....
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted.
Seek to understand, rather than be understood.
Seek to love, rather than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
.......
Waking up this morning I felt spiritually blocked up. A lot of thoughts running through my head and feelings of fear and then found something in the house which could cause me to feel anger/resentment. Just want to get stuck into the day now really and keep busy with right action. Got some socialising with friends lined up and a 12 step meeting so those 2 things should both help me get out of my own head.

Thursday 29 December
19 days sober
RR 99%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

It's been a long 19 days sober, and I mean that in a good way, because it feels like a "Longer" time than that I think because of how I've grown spiritually over the last 19 days. With that said, this morning I feel like my resolve to stay sober is down a small fraction. We're only talking down to 99% kind of thing here but yeah, for the last 19 days I have been in complete withdrawal. Which means I haven't engaged in any sexual activity at all. When I look back over my life, which includes watching pornography as a teenager as the internet was becoming more mainstream then, I can expect to have some discomfort during this withdrawal period due to the deep-set thought patterns that have been built up over 15-20 years. Still, as I said before any kind of dip in resolve rating I need to be acutely aware of and get it back to 100% asap by going to meetings, doing outreach calls, working the steps and doing some nice enjoyable things, treating myself, doing something nice for someone else etc.

Wednesday 28 December
18 days sober
RR 100% (lowish mood though)
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
...........
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted.
Seek to understand, rather than to be understood.
Seek to love, rather than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
.......
Well there was a really tough couple of hours yesterday where I'm not sure if my resolve rating was down but I could feel my ego trying to question the 12 step program a bit. I think my mood has been a bit low over the Xmas period - where I live there have been family staying and it's made home life a bit more intense I guess. So yeah, I'd still say my resolve to stay sober is at 100% but I can feel some low mood and negative thoughts creeping in so I need to take positive action against that. Plan for today is to get stuck in to my to to list (getting the most essential things done) and make a 12 step meeting primarily. Then beyond that do some outreach calls as the next priority. Then do some stepwork. And I think also try to do something nice or treat myself to try to get my mood up a bit. I also had a fairly high anxiety OCD fixation crop up last night and I'm really hopeful my 12 step program can help with OCD as well.

Tuesday 27 December
17 days sober
RR 100%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Well, travelled to a 12 step meeting yesterday but it turned out it wasn't on. However I did do a lot of stepwork study and did some outreach calls yesterday. Planning to go to 2 meetings today so I hope they both actually happen. Haven't been to a meeting since lats Tuesday (not through lack of trying!) so that is a massive priority for today.

Monday 26 December
16 days sober
RR100%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courgae to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

I want to double up on the prayers today and say the prayer of St Francis of Assisi which I think is brilliant:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted.
Seek to understand, rather than be understood.
Seek to love, rather than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Well, yesterday was Christmas Day. I actually felt in a low mood for a lot of the day. I did my best recovery/being social wise but there was no way I could get to a 12 step meeting yesterday. The day before I tried to get to 2 but one I was the only one there and the other one was cancelled. Friday and Thursday had family gatherings so couldn't get to a meeting. Wednesday maybe I should have got to one in the meeting but the sum of all this is that the last 12 step meeting I have been to was on Tuesday and I think that is starting to add up. So today my plan is to get to at least two 12 step meetings, and maybe even 3 (even if I have to travel out of my town of residence to find them).